The Naked Truth Behind the Quest for Bald Beauty and the Peril of Pubes
Body hair. One of life’s biggest pain in the arse for us ladies. I often question why we go to the lengths we do to be silky smooth when our partners strut their stuff with armpit hair long enough to accommodate small tribes. Whether you shave, wax, or use hair removal cream it’s a bloody nightmare and if you’re anything like me the whole palaver couldn’t resemble the oh-so-effortless ‘Veet’ advert any less if I tried.
Let’s begin with shaving. There are two types of people in the shaving world. Firstly, the bold and daring shower shavers that shave their legs whilst overcoming all obstacles that the shower presents. These people can mould their bodies into the horrendously uncomfortable positions it takes to reach all angles of your legs whilst standing, or hovering like an off balance flamingo. I kid you not getting the back of your ankles in one of those tiny box showers is a challenge worthy of a sporting medal. Then there are bath shavers. Bath shavers resume the position of a backwards lean with an elongated leg, as they reach their razor equipped arm to the ankle and glide it down so sensuously they may well be cast for the next magnum advert. Well, that’s how I like to imagine myself. The reality is somewhat different. At the elegant elongation stage there is usually a sudden loss of balance causing a slippery slide further down the back of the bath, subsequently dunking your head under the water and cutting your ankle to go with it… classy.
Hair removal cream. First things first, it stinks. I recently covered my legs in this smelly substance to see why it was ‘all the rage’ and it was far from pretty. The main issue was manoeuvring around once covered, cautious to not get it absolutely everywhere or ruin the even spread on my legs a certain waddle was needed to move anywhere. Once time is up you have to scrape off the cream using this flimsy plastic device they give you with the bottle. I was stood in the shower scraping off blobs of pongy cream dotted with my leg hair and feeling actually quite repulsed at the whole thing. That was before I came up in a rash that stung for the next hour or so.
I have resorted over the years to waxing and I have to say when having it done professionally it is the most hassle free method of hair removal I have experienced. Not to mention the added bonus of your body parts staying smoother for much longer than the other techniques. But, home waxing was far from plain sailing. In a bid to save some cash I purchased a wax pot with all the necessary equipment bar the beautician bed. So, here I am, perched on the kitchen table, application stick of wax at the ready and equipped with a wax strip in the other hand. I was fully prepared for the battle I was about to wage with my leg hair…or so I thought. I go to wipe on the wax, ‘damn!’. Wax drips to the floor. I carry on valiantly applying a long line of the liquid lava, ‘shit!’. The wax was that hot I swear I gave myself 1st degree burns. There is no going back at this point so I take a deep breath and attempt to pull this bad boy off, ‘3, 2, 1 OMG‘. Not only have I just experienced pain like no other, I have ripped the wrong friggin’ way…*sighs*. Okay, I go to reposition myself on the table and start again, ‘fuck!’. I’ve only gone and stepped in the wax I dropped earlier. It’s safe to say the sticky trail I left around the house was not welcomed at all. I can sincerely say I will never be trying again.
Let us not forget all the other hassle us ladies go through with armpit hair, upper lip moustaches and above all PUBES.It is a common style amongst younger ladies to have a full on Hollywood as far as the vag is concerned. For those who don’t know what this means, this is the removal of all pubic hair, instead of just the bikini line. It was made popular by various celebrities and by large, porn. Some like the look, while others prefer a Brazilian or just some basic maintenance down there. It is simply down to personal and partner preference. But, one thing I do know is that any waxing or shaving down there can create some pretty uncomfortable situations. Shaving rashes and in-grown hairs are amongst the worst. I have squeezed that many ingrown hairs accidentally embedding them further only to create a lump the size of a golf ball in some unsightly position within my intimate area that I really do wonder why I bother with this whole hair removal habit. I mean there is nothing more off-putting than a fanny that resembles a plucked chicken with a fat old ingrown hair spot smack bang on the labia, and that ladies and gentleman, is the reality of the Hollywood. Not so glamorous after all ey?
Despite our moans, groans and ever-embarrassing girly problems that we all put up with, there is not a better feeling than slipping into clean bed sheets with nice smooth legs. On saying that, winter pyjamas that mask my hairy stumps might just top it!